Category Archives: Uncategorized

Two hits, 140 characters: Vengaboys

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Oh my god, I have stumbled on a gem. To refresh your memory, Vengaboys are the fantastic foursome that brought us the hit tunes “We Like to Party” (aka the Six Flags theme song) and “Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!” (as in: I want you in my room…) a song that was so completely inappropriate for me to sing aloud in the school hallways (but when has that ever stopped me before?). Anyways, this Twitter account basically speaks for itself.

Vengaboys (@Vengaboys) Europe’s #1 Party Act. Up & Down, We Like To Party, Boom Boom Boom, Going to Ibiza, 20 million singles, 5 million albums and still modest to the max! Location: Uranus ·

-These Vengaboys sure do have a penchant for hyperbole, now don’t they? (My 7th grade English teacher would be kvelling right now…) 20 MILLION singles?? 5 MILLION albums?? Honeys, even The Beatles don’t have 20 million singles and they are the original “Europe’s #1 Party Act” if you think about it… that brings me to…

-I don’t think that deeming yourself “Europe’s #1 Party Act” and then claiming that you’re “Still modest to max” goes hand in hand. And who still uses “To the max!” anyways, really? Watching some Saved By The Bell re-runs, are we Vengapeeps?

-You’re from Uranus?!! I can’t tell if they’re trying to be witty or just straight up copying jokes scribbled on a 6th grade boy’s notebook. The thing is, they continually refer to Uranus in their tweets (like a looooot) — and that leads me to the next part of this blog.

So, usually I just cease and desist after the Twitter description, but I simply cannot be silenced in this case. Here are the top 3 most awesome Vengaboys tweets of recent times:

1) “Hello, residents of planet Earth!! This meteor in Russia is not from Uranus… So you know!” — Hello, Vengaboys!! Thank you! We were all confusing Russia and Uranus!!

2) “The Pope Benedict XVI resigns on 28 February! We,ve been invited to perform @ the Vatican. We’re sorry no can’t do!” — Again, not sure what to make of this, but I’m assuming this cannot be real. And if it was real (which is was not) why “no can’t do??!” It’s the freaking Vatican. You always say “yes can’t do!” to the Vatican, duh.

3) “People, and other creatures, of Letterkenny, Ireland! Come see us tonight at The Pulse and party til you don’t have a pulse no more!” — Dear people and other Irish creatures. We would literally like to kill you with our “music”.

Whatever, guys, I can’t h8 on u too much. You’ve brought so much joy to this lil’ guy.

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One Hit, 140 characters: Lou Bega

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Lou Bega and I have beef. This beef largely (entirely) stems from the fact that despite his inclusion of 10 girls’ names in his (one) hit tune “Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit Of…), he neglected to mention “Jennifer,” even though he has RITA in there twice. Honestly, who is this “Rita” character and how can she be more important than one of the most influential female names of the 90s (Aniston, Lopez, Love-Hewitt, Abidor.. NEED I SAY MORE?)

Now, before I get to Lou’s Twitter description, I have one, two, three, four, five questions:

1) What is with the 90s and parenthetical titles? See also: Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me for Me), Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).

2) What happened to Mambos No.s 1-4? No seriously, I want to know.

3) Did you know that these are actually, for real some of the lyrics? “Anything fly, it’s all good let me dump it. Please set in the trumpet.”

4) “And if it looks like this then you’re doing it right” — Not sure if you get the concept of a song, Lou, but I can’t see you. How am I supposed to know if I’m “doing it right”? (And no, the music video has no answers. I checked.)

5) Did people actually dance the “Mambo No. 5”? Like is that an actual thing that happened like the Cupid Shuffle or the Macarena?

Anyways, I decided to check in on Lou to see how he’s been doing in the aftermath of his hit “Mambo No. 5” (A little bit of…) and I was shocked by what I saw.

Lou Bega (@LouBegaOfficial — not to be confused with the “imposter” Lou Begas): “New single Sweet Like Cola release date: 23.07.10 New album Free Again release date: OUT NOW. Berlin.”

Here are the main points you need to take away from that:

-Lou Bega has an actual song called “Sweet Like Cola” and it has these actual lyrics “I’ll be your sugar daddy you’ll be my sugar cane” and it sounds like if Raffi and Sean Kingston did a collaboration. (Listen here!)

Lou Bega doesn’t understand the concept of “new” or the concept of teasing a “release date”.

-But, most importantly and earth-shatteringly: “Berlin.” You read that right! Lou Bega is German. I repeat. Lou. Bega. Is. From. Germany. Like, his tweets are in German and the only singular person he follows on Twitter is named “Fritz” and his primary language is German. How did none of us ever know this?! Where are your German lady friends, Lou? I suppose “A little bit Wilhelmina in my life, a little bit of Irmhilde by my side….” just doesn’t have the same flow…

One hit, 140 characters: Edwin McCain

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You can tell a lot about a person from their Twitter description. Mine, for example, cites me as a “TV Enthusiast” (and that’s just because “Dawson’s Creek Enthusiast” was too raw).

For reasons I can’t explain, I’ve been pretty fascinated with 90s one-hit wonders’ Twitters as of late. I’m trying hard to get them to follow me, but so far Blessid Union of Souls are the only ones who’ve taken the bait. What can I say? They like me for me!

Anyways I’m now devoting this blog to dissecting their Twitter descriptions, because they’re extremely telling. First up, “I’ll Be” singer Edwin McCain.

Edwin McCain (@TheEdwinMcCain — please note the “The”): “He recorded two of the biggest love songs in the history of pop music, McCain still tours like a troubadour, balancing his massive pop success and family life.”

-I do not think you can qualify “I Could Not Ask For More” as one of the biggest love songs in the history of pop music, and that’s mainly because I had to Google it to remember what it was called. (I’ll give you “I’ll be” Mr. McCain, you had me wanting boys to offer to be “my crying Soldier” (what my 4th grade mind thought he was saying)…No really, any takers?)

-Here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition of a Troubadour, just so we’re clear Edwin: “one of a class of lyric poets and poet-musicians often of knightly rank who flourished from the 11th to the end of the 13th century chiefly in the south of France and the north of Italy and whose major theme was courtly love.” This week, Edwin will be playing a gig at “Nick’s Crawfish Boil” in Jackson, Mississippi.

-Finally, I cannot imagine the taxing burden you must put on your family by trying to balance hearing “I’ll Be” in the occasional Dawson’s Creek re-run and spending time with them. I feel for the McCain kids. They are probably off hanging with Everclear singing “Father of Mine”…

10 jarringly messed up things from our (collective) childhoods.

By Jen Abidor

No matter how normal and well-adjusted you turned out as a grown up, I’d just like to take a moment to tell you just how severely damaged your childhood truly was. You’re welcome.

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1. Hangman: This is literally a game about the death penalty. The stakes here are pretty high — you guess the wrong letter of the alphabet, some dude is going to die for it. And it’s not just your regular old-fashioned hanging… his dismembered body parts will be hung limb by limb. And we never even bothered to question just what it was this guy did to deserve his execution. I mean, what? You just know there were some sadistic kids out there who guessed Q’s and X’s just for funsies. Sick bastards.
2. Completely inappropriate children’s songs, part one: “Ring Around The Rosy”: Sure, everyone knows this playground classic. So much fun, right? LOL let’s all hold hands and walk in a circle and then fall down for shits and giggles. This was endlessly entertaining, and yet no one ever really thought to listen to what the song was actually about. “Ashes, Ashes, we all fall down”. How was it not just OK, but completely commonplace for us to sing a song about a mass child cremation?! HOW?! I just cannot.
3. Completely inappropriate children’s songs, part two: “Rockabye Baby”: WTF kind of lullaby is this?! It is literally a song about an infant falling from a tree and dying. What in the hell was this child doing up in a tree top in the first place? That is completely irresponsible parenting! Instead of singing about it, maybe someone should have called child services?
4. “One of these things is not like the other” song from Sesame Street: Let’s point fingers at someone for “being different”! Conform or you don’t belong. And if you don’t conform, just make up imaginary woolly mammoth friends and name them excessively wordy things…ahem, Big Bird. The fact that you named your imaginary friend “Aloysius Snuffleupagus” instead of like, Bob, is a precise demonstration of why you had the need to make up friends in the first place.
5. Trix commercials: Do not get me started on these fat greedy little children. This rabbit has dedicated his little bunny life solely to the acquisition of some fruity cereal, and you little shits can’t just give the guy a bowlful? Come.on.
6. Lucky rabbit’s feet: And while we’re on the topic of rabbit abuse, remember these ridiculous furry things? First we deny them of cereal, and now we’re amputating rabbits to increase the possibility that our 5th grade crushes will notice us or that we’ll ace that math test? And as if animal amputation weren’t bad enough, let’s go ahead and dye them fuschia and pop ’em on a keychain so they’ll always be right there with us on our JanSport backpacks.
7. The Boy Meets World Halloween episode: You know which one I’m talking about. I’d write about it, but that would require watching it. And I’m not too confident I’d be able to handle that.
8. Eeyore, from Winnie The Pooh: First of all, why isn’t Eeyore named Donkey? What was A.A thinking? “Tigger, Owl, Piglet….EEYORE!” What in the world is an Eeyore? Or a Pooh for that matter? And why didn’t we ever bother to question this innate animal naming inconsistency? But, I digress. The real question is why didn’t we question this depressed donkey? The dude’s catchphrase was: “Thanks for noticing me”… Come on, Winnie. Get your head out of your honey pot for just a sec and notice that your friend has issues. But, seriously, who can blame Eeyore? The guy has a nail permanently affixed to his butt. That cannot be pleasant.
9. Operation, the board game: You mean this dude has to endure an entire open body surgery, and we’re entrusting his survival on the shaky, sticky hands of a 7 year old? That is completely unacceptable.
10. Body glitter: Because, just no.

Hakuna Nostalgia

"Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it...." Or, relive it?

This weekend’s box office results are a prime example of the circle of life in action…everything old will be new again. The Lion King 3D (originally in theaters in 1994…) crushed everybody else like the stampede crushed Mufasa. Far behind the Disney classic was Contagion, which came out last weekend and has single-handedly caused Purell hand-sanitizer (or those flowery Bath and Body works ones if you’re into that…) to sell out at every drug store in the U.S.

The three other big movies that came out this weekend were Drive (contributing to the year of the Gosling…), Straw Dogs (the trailer alone gave me nightmares), and the misnamed I Don’t Know How She Does It (should be called… I don’t know WHY she does it… as in… why does SJP insist on continuing to make awful “movies”.) Other than Drive which was critically adored, I’m not really surprised by these lackluster numbers…

But I digress. The topic of this post is nostalgia. As a recent inhabitant of the “real world” my entire life is nostalgia right now (and I don’t see an end in sight…) Why was Lion King number one at the box office this weekend? Was it the riveting 3-dimensional effects (ooh! Zazu looks like he’s flyyyying!) Nope. They were generally underwhelming and unnecessary, and I didn’t even get the special edition Simba glasses. Ticket Lady: “Those are for children only…” Me: “Yes, so what’s the problem? OH wait… I’m 22.”

The point is…there was no way I was going to miss a chance to feel like that 5 year old girl who ran out of the theater during the stampede in 1994 (I sat through it this time, but my very boring adult 3D glasses fogged up during Mufasa’s death.) There was no way I was going to miss seeing such a wonderful story that originally didn’t rely on any gimmicks or glitter.

Nostalgia is EVERYWHERE, and it connects people on an entirely different level. The 90s Nick slot is one of the highest rated late night programming slots. The crowd goes wild at the bar when the DJ plays some “vintage” BSB or Britney. The Lion King was the #1 movie in theaters 17 years after its original release. But, as Woody Allen addresses in Midnight in Paris, it seems we’ll always be caught in a perpetual cycle of nostalgia (the true circle of life…)

We are conditioned to believe that the past was so much better than the present.  Are we simply re-imagining those days as the “good old days” or was culture really just that much better? Debatable. I think that my generation is one that is particularly obsessed with nostalgia, and it’s largely because the cultural landscape has changed immensely (I babysat a 4 year old with an IPad last week…) In 10 years will Justin Bieber’s songs evoke a similar reaction as “I Want it That Way”? Uh, I hope not. And I cringe when I wonder what music will be the definitive music of the ’10s…

For now, I’d rather go to the movie theater for an hour and a half serving of nostalgic Disney bliss.

The night I became a germaphobe…

August 9, 5:28pm

Jen Abidor:  UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL we go to contagion.

September 17, 10:45 pm

Jen Abidor: “Two tickets for contagion, please…”

Turns out my words are just as empty as Gwyneth Paltrow’s autopsied head. 

…But that’s a good thing, because Contagion is just a brilliantly executed look into the hysteria surrounding pandemics. As a media studies gal I was particularly intrigued by the Jude Law character and his use of blogging for EVIL. I promise faithful readers (all three of you) that I will never use my powers for evil. Luckily, this is a movies blog so the closest I could come is probably recommending that you see that Bucky Larson porn star movie…

Here are a few biblically themed life lessons to be learned from Contagion:

You shall not commit adultery: Um seriously,  Gwynny. Cheat on your husband and you WILL be patient zero for like, the worst pandemic ever…and everyone will see your brains. Don’t mess.

You shall not eat pigs: I’m just saying, it wasn’t Matzo Ball Soup that started this whole thing.

Honor your father and mother:… Or really, when your dad tells you not to, don’t go KISSING people in the snow when there is a freaking DISEASE going around…OH hey, millions of people have died, but at least we’re making snow angels.

You shall not steal (humans): Otherwise you get the placebo, bitches.

If thou art Matt Damon, thou art invincible: (I’m paraphrasing here…) Duh.

And there you have it. Go see Contagion if you get the chance, but don’t be surprised if you feel the urge to whip out your Swine Flu mask from ’09 (please, you know you had one…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer movies had me a blast…

Today when I emerged from my apartment en route to the movie theater at the ungodly hour of 3pm (it’s a Sunday, jeez!), I had two epiphanies: 1) I am a terrible blogger and 2) the need for my fleece hoodie and inability for me to wear shorts confirmed for me something I’ve been unwilling to truly accept until today: Summer is over. But, my blogging was just on brief hiatus as I let the summer lazies get the best of me…

Nevertheless, I’ve decided to reflect on a summer of great (or mediocre or just plain absurd) movies. Here are some one sentence summer-ies  from where i left off:

Monte Carlo: A rip off of the Lizzie McGuire movie that demonstrates that Europe is only fun if you’re RICH and that Disney is unlike wine (i.e. does not get better with time.)  See also: “British Accents, inconsistent” under Hathaway, Anne or “One Day”.

Horrible Bosses: Hilarious summer comedy inspired by Hitchcock’s “Strangers on a Train” (not the one starring Danny DeVito…) Jennifer Aniston must have BROWN hair in order to be extremely kinky, lest people start associating her nymphomaniac character with “The Rachel”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2: Take a moment to recall the Voldie celebration and Draco hug (a hug from Voldemort is like a Hallmark card.) The HP crew must have done something similar upon realizing that they made the best reviewed summer movie on Rotten Tomatoes. It made me believe in magic. 

Captain America: The First Avenger: I love you Chris Evans, even when you look like Chicken Little… As an American Studies loyalist, what’s not to love.

Friends With Benefits: In the Mila Kunis vs. Natalie Portman “fun buddy” comedy showdown… Kunis takes the cake. Flashmobs? Check. JT rapping? Check. But alas, I still yearn for a day where Justin will bring MusicBack. 

Smurfs: This smurf-vie was smurf-diculous but I smurfing loved it. Did you find this smurf-tance smurfing annoy-smurf? Than DO NOT see this smurfing movie! This is basically how it goes.

Crazy, Stupid, Love: Despite the title’s egregious disregard for the rules of grammar, this was probably my absolute favorite movie of summer. I had the time of my life…and I owe it all to you, Ryan Gosling. But serious question time: WHY did Jessica’s dad have to flip through her nudie pics? Really, why?

Midnight in Paris: The only time I’ve ever hated Rachel McAdams. Seriously. Otherwise, it was fun.

The Change-Up: I remember not really liking it and then kinda sorta ending up enjoying it, but I honestly can’t remember why. From what I recall it was Freaky Friday on crack, or something…

The Help: A lot can be learned about a film from the women’s bathroom directly after:

Woman #1- Sob Sob Sob Sob Whimper Sob

Woman # 2- *Sniffles* The Help?

Woman #1- YES! *wahhhhhhhh*

But seriously, loved the book, loved the movie. I couldn’t cry at college graduation, probably because I was saving my tears for this and One Day (see below…) Also- Jessica Chastain is going to be HUGE.

One Day: When I went to see The Help, I accidentally gave away the ending to One Day to a very irate man in the row in front of me. So take note… IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING STOP READING…

…Anne Hathaway totally kicks it, and we are forced to look at her mangled corpse for far too long. In fact, she inspired a new verb as in, “When I was crossing the street against the light I was totally almost Anne Hathawayed….” The movie was good, sure. But it manipulates your heartstrings more than Marley and Me (I’m saying this hypothetically because I obviously don’t watch movies about animals…) AND YES, when Anne Hathaway Mia Thermopolises (i.e. straightens her fugtastic hair) she looks attractive. Read this blog post for some more hilarity.

And there you go. Keep your eyes peeled for some more observations about life, liberty and the pursuit of movies. I promise they’ll be more frequent.

(7) Jake Gyllenhaal and Other Drugs

Last night I finally got around to watching a movie that I’ve been meaning to see since before it came out. In fact, the only reason I didn’t see it was that my best friend protested, declaring that, “Anne Hathaway has an annoying mouth.” (After watching the Oscars I definitely agree. Can you say train wreck?) So, when I got home from Pub Trivia [evidence that I do actually leave the home] I popped in my recently arrived Netflix DVD of Love and Other Drugs.

It is exactly the movie you would expect it to be, but that doesn’t make it any less charming. Some of the critics have been saying that the whole thing is practically porn and that it’s Anne and Jake naked for 2 hours. I definitely disagree, and maybe I just don’t really notice it any more, but the film didn’t seem any more raunchy or gratuitous than many other movies I’ve seen recently. And then again, who doesn’t want to see Jake Gyllenhaal naked for 2 hours? I am just saying…

The first "google image" that came up. Nakey Jakie.

Did I cry? Duh. It might be more productive to point out the movies that I haven’t cried during. It’s a sweet little movie about a womanizer who meets the “one girl who will change everything.” Been done before? Yep. But somehow it stayed just fresh enough for me to find it enjoyable.

 

(6) Betty White is the quintessential rom-com granny

Kristen Bell can do no wrong. Okay, that’s definitely not true. In fact, Kristen Bell can do a lot of wrong. Since the demise of my beloved series Veronica Mars, she hasn’t exactly been making the best movie choices (Forgetting Sarah Marshall being an exception.) However, the other fact is… I just don’t care. I love her, and somehow I always end up enjoying anything that she is in, even when I REALLY don’t want to.

I really did not want to enjoy You Again. As a rule I don’t like movies with cat fights, bridezilla shenanigans, or any sort of food being spilled on another person. I also don’t like movies with mean high school girls. Uh, but aren’t you like, freakishly obsessed with Mean Girls, Jen? Isn’t that about, well, mean….girls…. Yeah, but it’s different. The “meanness” in Mean Girls is comedic. In You Again it’s just downright horrific.

The movie did have a few things going for it… First off, it had my girl Kristen. Secondly, it had Hollywood’s most desired, wacky and off-color grandmother, Betty White. I adored her in this same role in the greatest romantic comedy ever The Proposal. Would that be enough?

Well it wasn’t my favorite movie ever. Far from it. But it did have its sweet moments. And I did tear up in the end. But I cried during Stuart Little and the Tony Awards the other night, so that may not be the best indicator…

(5) “There are no baby pigeons in the city…not one.”

The title of this post is a philosophical statement posed by a character in the film…How true is that? Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? Really, how does that work? I mean seriously, a romantic comedy that makes you think about important issues like baby pigeons? What more can you ask for?

Some movies simply never get old. Every time I watch Mean Girls (the first I mean, not this travesty…) I laugh like it is the first time. Today I watched Going the Distance for the fourth time now, and I still adore it. I think it’s one of the most underrated recent rom-coms.

If you didn’t see it because of this review, you should consider revisiting it: “What are we doing watching this manically dreary, physically nauseating date movie from hell?” Kelly Vance, East Bay Express.  Wait, seriously? Date movie from hell, Kelly Vance? This isn’t a horror movie, so why must we bring “hell” into the picture. I swear reviewers are getting pickier by the minute.

The first time I saw it, two of my roommates were in long distance relationships. It’s something that many people deal with, but still managed to be a breath of fresh air in the theaters. Meet Garrett and Erin. They bond over a shared love of arcade games, pub trivia and Shawshank Redemption in New York City. The catch? Erin is only in town for 6 weeks. So, once Erin leaves the Big Apple they try and make it work.

This film has so many great little comedic moments, many from Garrett’s best friend Dan. The best is when he DJS ERIN AND GARRETT’S HOOKUP. With “Take My Breath Away.” Classic.

[This reminds me of the time when I watched Top Gun for the first time, and tuned in about halfway through. We happened to turn it on while “Take My Breath Away” was playing. I was so excited, “What are the chances that we would turn it on for this most famous moment! It’s fate!” Fate for what? I don’t really know… I read a lot into things sometimes, like the fact that every time I try and watch That 70s Show (3 times…) it happens to be the SAME episode. Where they’re smuggling beer from Canada. So for my whole childhood I thought the show was about beer-smuggling. So yeah, I was freaking out and then I came to realize that “Take My Breath Away” plays THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE. It was disappointing. But then it became a fun drinking game.]

The point is, this movie is freaking hilarious. Other best line: After Garrett and Erin have a fight, she tells her girlfriend because “That’s what girls do…” (It is.) Garrett says he understands because, “I know how it works…I’ve seen Moesha.” Genius.

The SOURCE for all girl-related problems.

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