Category Archives: Rants

(13) and (14) But you’re too young to die!


On a frigid and snow-filled day in January my roommates and I decided to have a movie marathon. Well, we didn’t so much decide as get shut in by the horrific Massachusetts snow. I had recently “won” eight DVDs in a silent auction at my Sorority’s national convention. While other girls bid on bedazzled Swarovski unicorns and lettered apparel, I was drawn to a pile of ultimate chick flicks. It included every movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel, minus the good one about old people (The Notebook) and the bad one about old people (Nights with Harrison Ford? Maybe? Richard Gere…Yes, definitely Gere…in Rodanthe.) It also had Wedding Crashers, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and for a reason I can’t quite fathom: Footloose. Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with Kevin Bacon. It was just a “one of these things is not like the others” kind of moment.

Sidenote: Remember this? I’m pretty sure that it teaches children intolerance…If someone is not like you, make sure you have a fancy musical number that points it out to everyone else.

Anyways, I have a point, I promise (Legally Blonde, anyone?) The point is: on that freezing day we decided to warm our cold cold hearts with some tearjerkers: A Walk to Remember and Sisterhood. By tearjerker, I mean Jen bawling inconsolably, holding a box of tissues, and Kerry wondering how she was possibly friends with such a freak. (Really Kerry is just heartless apparently… we watched not ONE but TWO young girls die of Leukemia for crying out loud.)

This brings me to today… a lazy sunday (wake up in the late afternoon…) I clung to the final pages of the newly released fifth Sisterhood book, my face a mess with tears. I declared it a movie day with my mom, and after some classic Leave it to Beaver, she opted for Walk to Remember over the other on-TV option: Mrs. Doubtfire. We chose tears over crossdressing. Shane West over Robin Williams. Once that was over, I decided to recreate that January day in the sweltering June weather. I convinced Mom to watch Sisterhood with me too… warning her that she was about to watch a very similar movie.

Now, at face value, the two movies don’t seem to have that much in common. One is about four teens who worship a pair of jeans, one is about a teen who worships…god. One is about teen angst and friendship and love and changing your opinion about someone and forbidden romance. Wait, which one is which? You can’t tell, can you?

But the major overlap is in the movies’ matching Leukemia storylines. When young people get cancer and die it is heart-wrenchingly sad. Trust me. I will cry every single time, no matter how horrible the film. In real life it is absolutely devastating, in film life it is a really convenient way to manipulate weepers like me into sobbing.

Jamie (Walk to Remember) and Bailey (Sisterhood) have so much in common, that I genuinely felt I was watching the same movie. “They already worked their magic… they brought me to you” “You’re my angel” “She had her miracle…it was you.”

OMG so, Landon/Tibby totally didn’t like Jamie/Bailey at first. In fact they found her super annoying and basically really lame. Jamie with her SWEATERS  and Bailey with her BEING 12 AND SHIT…As time goes by, they start to like…then love… Jamie/Bailey, only to find out that Jamie/Bailey will die in approximately 32 minutes of film, at the precise moment where it makes dramatic sense. But don’t worry Jamie/Bailey will make sure Landon/Tibby knows that he/she is A MIRACLE. Oh no! Jamie/Bailey is gone, but Landon/Tibby is changed…forever…

I’m sure the same could be said for lots of movies, but these were the two I happened to watch together on two different occasions. What can I say? I’m a sucker for formula.

Other quick observations about both movies:

They both have a weepy Father/Child reunion scene…but the one in Walk to Remember gets me every time.

I really like the editing in Sisterhood, how it transitions from different scenes of running or soccer with extreme fluidity that you almost can’t tell where one scene ends and the next begins. Ditto the soundtrack… It’s actually a very well-made and well-acted movie, which is why it was reviewed very well.

Anyways that was my Sunday Funday to start off a week of movies!

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(12) Life lessons learned from Grease

I caught Grease again tonight for the millionth time. It is chockfull of important morals for impressionable young teenagers. In no specific order, here are ten life lessons from the classic movie, Grease: 

1. Completely change who you are, then boys will like you (extra points if you pick up a nasty smoking habit!) They might try to change too, but that will never work! You’re the one who needs to change.

2. Drop out of school and become a beautician, even if you suck at it. Because, if you do, Frankie Avalon (or in today’s world, Justin Bieber) will come sing to you.

3. There are worse things that you could do than go with a guy or two…

4. Cars can FLY! (No really, they can!)

5. Cliques are awesome. They are even cooler when you give yourselves awesome nicknames…

6. Nerds are stupid: you can totally do mean things like pie them in the face and lift up their skirts. They don’t matter…

7. School schmool! Build cars in your spare time instead. (extra points if you name your car, double extra points if you create an iconic dance about it, triple extra points if you use stolen parts)

8. If you’re moving from a different continent, chances are very high that you will end up at the same high school as your summer fling.

9. Being part of a gang is totally cool as long as there is a meaner and tougher looking gang. Next to them you’re practically like bunnies!

10. Doody and Putzie are perfectly acceptable/non-cruel names for a child!


(2): Things that are not sequels

2011 is the summer of sequels. And three-quels, and four-quels (Pirates of the Crappy-bean) and five-quels (Fast Five, anyone?) and probably 1,000,000-quels if yet another straight-to-dvd release of Bring it On is in the works…

I’ve recently seen two alleged sequels of two highly popular films: Mean Girls 2 and Hangover 2. They are very different movies, obviously (one went STAF–straight to abc family– and the other has grossed hundreds of millions o’ dollars.) They are also not sequels. But they are not sequels in two very different ways.

Mean Girls 2:

…In Mean Girls 2’s defense they had a totally original poster concept. I MEAN they used more purple and the one in jeans has a leather jacket. 

Firstly, I was a little disappointed by Mean Girls 2’s lack of a colon title. Examples of which could have been “Mean Girls 2: Tim Meadows is in this too” or “Mean Girls 2: Paying for Friends isn’t just for Sorority Girls.” Its main characters collective credits include: Camp Rock, Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam (an actual sequel, and admirable usage of a colon) AND CORY IN THE HOUSE (sucktastic spin-off of sucktastic that’s so sucking raven.)

WHY IT IS NOT A SEQUEL (Grease 2, style): Mean Girls 2 is not a sequel in the way that Grease 2 isn’t. Yes, it’s lovely to see that Frenchie has survived beauty school or whatever, and that Principal Duvall is still easily manipulated by 14 year old girls, but that does not mean it is any sort of continuation of the original story. Seeing new, less talented actors regurgitate a poorly written, loosely based on the original concept, screenplay is frankly disrespectful to the Mean Girls name.

The Hangover 2:

The Hangover 2 was funny. I also liked it when I saw it two summers ago and it was called The Hangover. Omg, relax I know I’m not the first to note the similarities. I just think that the creators played a good ole game of mad libs to create the second script:

“Alan, Phil, Stu and Doug go to _________ (place where mayhem ensues) because ________ (insert main character) is getting hitched. They get extremely fucked up and wake up the next morning to realize they don’t remember the night before. Stu _________’s (painful activity in the general facial vicinity). __________ (insert male character) gets lost and the others must find him. HILARITY ENSUES. Turns out _________ (same male character) was in the ___________ (extremely obvious, meant to invoke a “duhhhhhh”, location.) Oh wait, there’s a camera. Roll credits to __________ (Flo Rida ft. SOMEONE) and obscene photographs.”

WHY IT IS NOT A SEQUEL: It is not a sequel in the way that when I watched Easy A twice in a row I did not watch Easy A and Easy B. I watched the same movie twice, and laughed a lot. That is how I felt with the Hangover 2. Hangover 3 sounds promising though, and involves the wolfpack breaking Alan out of a psych ward (although I SWEAR Zach Galifinakis just made that movie and it was kinda a funny story (no really, that was what it was called.) That might just be a sequel.

The point of this run on tangent is that maybe movies should take a page from the Toy Story franchise, and make actual sequels. As long as there is no Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer 2, I can deal. (But hey, maybe Heather Graham will be kicked out of that one too?)

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