By Jen Abidor
No matter how normal and well-adjusted you turned out as a grown up, I’d just like to take a moment to tell you just how severely damaged your childhood truly was. You’re welcome.
1. Hangman: This is literally a game about the death penalty. The stakes here are pretty high — you guess the wrong letter of the alphabet, some dude is going to die for it. And it’s not just your regular old-fashioned hanging… his dismembered body parts will be hung limb by limb. And we never even bothered to question just what it was this guy did to deserve his execution. I mean, what? You just know there were some sadistic kids out there who guessed Q’s and X’s just for funsies. Sick bastards.
2. Completely inappropriate children’s songs, part one: “Ring Around The Rosy”: Sure, everyone knows this playground classic. So much fun, right? LOL let’s all hold hands and walk in a circle and then fall down for shits and giggles. This was endlessly entertaining, and yet no one ever really thought to listen to what the song was actually about. “Ashes, Ashes, we all fall down”. How was it not just OK, but completely commonplace for us to sing a song about a mass child cremation?! HOW?! I just cannot.
3. Completely inappropriate children’s songs, part two: “Rockabye Baby”: WTF kind of lullaby is this?! It is literally a song about an infant falling from a tree and dying. What in the hell was this child doing up in a tree top in the first place? That is completely irresponsible parenting! Instead of singing about it, maybe someone should have called child services?
4. “One of these things is not like the other” song from Sesame Street: Let’s point fingers at someone for “being different”! Conform or you don’t belong. And if you don’t conform, just make up imaginary woolly mammoth friends and name them excessively wordy things…ahem, Big Bird. The fact that you named your imaginary friend “Aloysius Snuffleupagus” instead of like, Bob, is a precise demonstration of why you had the need to make up friends in the first place.
5. Trix commercials: Do not get me started on these fat greedy little children. This rabbit has dedicated his little bunny life solely to the acquisition of some fruity cereal, and you little shits can’t just give the guy a bowlful? Come.on.
6. Lucky rabbit’s feet: And while we’re on the topic of rabbit abuse, remember these ridiculous furry things? First we deny them of cereal, and now we’re amputating rabbits to increase the possibility that our 5th grade crushes will notice us or that we’ll ace that math test? And as if animal amputation weren’t bad enough, let’s go ahead and dye them fuschia and pop ’em on a keychain so they’ll always be right there with us on our JanSport backpacks.
7. The Boy Meets World Halloween episode: You know which one I’m talking about. I’d write about it, but that would require watching it. And I’m not too confident I’d be able to handle that.
8. Eeyore, from Winnie The Pooh: First of all, why isn’t Eeyore named Donkey? What was A.A thinking? “Tigger, Owl, Piglet….EEYORE!” What in the world is an Eeyore? Or a Pooh for that matter? And why didn’t we ever bother to question this innate animal naming inconsistency? But, I digress. The real question is why didn’t we question this depressed donkey? The dude’s catchphrase was: “Thanks for noticing me”… Come on, Winnie. Get your head out of your honey pot for just a sec and notice that your friend has issues. But, seriously, who can blame Eeyore? The guy has a nail permanently affixed to his butt. That cannot be pleasant.
9. Operation, the board game: You mean this dude has to endure an entire open body surgery, and we’re entrusting his survival on the shaky, sticky hands of a 7 year old? That is completely unacceptable.
10. Body glitter: Because, just no.